For reasons, unknown by me, I've become quite fearful lately; literally paralyzed with fear. Most often it rears its head at the most unusual time, like going grocery shopping or something equally as normal. I get all ready to go, but stand at the threshold of my door, look out the window and don't move. I can't explain it. It's never happened before, at least, not like this. This year especially has prevented me from doing normal every day things. I was reading in a medical handbook of sorts at the Dollar's house the other night about all sorts of interesting things, when low and behold, I stumbled upon the issue of anxiety. There was check list to "self diagnose" yourself. One by one, I read through the items, and was astounded that it described how I've been feeling lately.
I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling. It's just not something I do. Whether it makes me sound whiny, or let's face the real issue, I don't want to be vulnerable. I hate putting myself out there, knowing that people will look at me differently or perhaps even make judgements about things they have no understandings of. Which, is another reason I often don't talk about my depression. It's just easier to push it down deep and deal with everything else going on in my world. But, as we all know, pushing something away doesn't resolve the issue. It's just like a boomerang and will eventually come back around. But this isn't about depression tonight, though, perhaps might be related.
Fear.
It's such a small word which literally oozes from every fiber of my being at time. Obviously, not all the time, but enough that I feel the need to write about it. You know? Usually the very things I don't want to talk about are the very things which need to be out there. So whom ever this is for, know that you're not alone. You see, I should have no reason to fear. Not only are all my needs (and most wants) met, but I'm a child of God. I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
I've never been drunk before, nor do I ever plan on being so. I was listening to my iPod today at work and "This World" by Caedmon's Call came on. A song I've heard literally hundreds of time before, but suddenly the one line, "This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear." hit me like a ton of bricks.
I've been walking around drunk on the spirit of fear. I've allowed this into my life and it's prevented me from living. Achieving goals. Find the potential buried deep within me. I was destined for bigger and better things. (You too!) God didn't create me to merely earn a paycheck! He created me to glorify Him. But what have I been doing? Sitting on the sidelines, scared of what might happen if I get in the game and get hurt. (Sorry for the sport analogy.)
Essentially what I'm saying is this. Yes, I struggle with the 'what ifs' in life and yes I allow fear to overwhelm me, but basically what I'm trying to do is give myself a pep talk. I need to buck up and get on with my life. I just don't want to look back even a year from now and be in the same place I'm in now.
I read a quote the other day that said something about how those who have made a difference in life didn't sit back and wait for it to happen. No, they chased after what they wanted, with no fear and had conviction that they would succeed. (Man, I can't remember the real quote, it was way better than my paraphrase!) I want the same for my life.... I'm just not sure how to get there. Any ideas?
There's tarnish on the golden rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who aren't afraid to love
This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need
This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear.
So when he says who will go, I am nowhere near.
And the least of these look like criminals to me
So I leave Christ on the street
This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
But now I'm waking up, but now I'm breaking up
But now I'm making up for lost time
--Caedmon's Call
6 comments:
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you always". I quote that to my babies all the time when they are afraid even in the simplest of times. I can't remember what the book and chapter/verse info is on that(& my Bible is upstairs no doubt)..I know, shame on me, but it still rings true! You are His child and He is always with you. Fear comes from the evil one. That's one of his ways of making sure that our walk isn't what and where it should be. I have been in your shoes. Take homeschooling for instance. I didn't NOT want to do it because I was afraid of all of the "if's", but God gave me His peace in regards to that decision and I know that it will work out. "Do not be afraid for He is with you!!" :)
Hey:) It's been awhile since we've been in touch(in blogland!) but I come by every now and then to see what you're up to and am still thinking about that book you were going to write, how is that going?
I know all about anxiety and paralyzing fear. I have my own issues and I am just now starting to work through them with God and a Godly counselor.
Here is a verse that I love in the Amplified version...
Habakkuk 3:19
"The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!
Isn't that awesome! He will make us so that we do not stand in fear, but make spiritual progress!
I am praying for you now, God knows what keys unlock the reasons behind your fears, I have been amazed at what He has done and is doing in my life. Take care:)
Amanda, thank you so much for reminding me of His simple Truths. How silly of me to be distracted otherwise. I'm just like Peter sometimes. I take my eyes off of Him and begin to sink.
That's awesome that you're going to homeschool your kiddos. I know you'll do an amazing job! What a great influence you'll have over their lives.
Btw, the verse you gave me sounds like what Jesus said as He was ascending into Heaven? I could be completely wrong? Also, a great resource, check out: http://www.biblegateway.com/
Emily,
Hello my friend! Thanks for your sweet comments. I haven't written like I should have been lately. I feel like there's not enough time in the day, but obviously I could just use my time more wisely.
My book... is... amazing, but I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. It's been through three different editing sessions (myself and two great friends). I feel like I'm ready to compile everything into Blurb and get going. But something is stopping me... not sure what. I need to get over it though, so I can accomplish this dream. I just need time when I'm not distracted. (Which is hard for a person with A.D.D.!)
Back to fears. When did you decide you needed to talk to a Christian counselor?
Hey:)
It has taken me years to get to the point where God said ..."now" in my request for seeking a counselor. In my own life, God kept saying through the years..."I AM Counselor"
After my mom died this year in March, everything I ever struggled with all came bubbling up to the surface along with all of the grief and I knew I HAD to get some help. It turns out my counselor and I are a perfect match, and the timing is just great.
If you are interested in seeking the help of a counselor, ask God to show you when, who, if, etc...
Nice catching up, if you have any other things that you have questions about, you are welcome to email me too...:)
newcreation7@sc.rr.com
Mer, You wonderful, amazing, honest, friend....
Do you realize why you're going through this? I might be wrong, but remember your post from your beach trip about how confident you felt taking that walk on the beach? Like God was meeting you and "something" was about to happen? I suggested that you were walking out of old insecurities and the fears from childhood that were keeping you bound. I still believe that's what happened that day. You've said things here and there that have shown me that's what it was. So what you are experiencing now is not the same fears, it's not a new bondage. It's just the enemy stepping up his battle against you because he knows he lost a stronghold in your life. Put those Scriptures that Amanda and Emily shared with you on your bathroom mirror, by your be, and on your front door, and wherever else you need to see it. Work on memorizing them. Also remember the one in 1 Tim. (I think it's I Tim. 1:17, or it might be II Tim.). That's the one about God has not given you a spirit of fear...
Another awesome verse is II Chron. 20:17 - "You do not need to fight in this battle, says the Lord. Station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, oh Judah and Jerusalem. Do not fear or be dismayed. Tomorrow go and and face them, for the Lord is with you."
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