For reasons, unknown by me, I've become quite fearful lately; literally paralyzed with fear. Most often it rears its head at the most unusual time, like going grocery shopping or something equally as normal. I get all ready to go, but stand at the threshold of my door, look out the window and don't move. I can't explain it. It's never happened before, at least, not like this. This year especially has prevented me from doing normal every day things. I was reading in a medical handbook of sorts at the Dollar's house the other night about all sorts of interesting things, when low and behold, I stumbled upon the issue of anxiety. There was check list to "self diagnose" yourself. One by one, I read through the items, and was astounded that it described how I've been feeling lately.
I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling. It's just not something I do. Whether it makes me sound whiny, or let's face the real issue, I don't want to be vulnerable. I hate putting myself out there, knowing that people will look at me differently or perhaps even make judgements about things they have no understandings of. Which, is another reason I often don't talk about my depression. It's just easier to push it down deep and deal with everything else going on in my world. But, as we all know, pushing something away doesn't resolve the issue. It's just like a boomerang and will eventually come back around. But this isn't about depression tonight, though, perhaps might be related.
It's such a small word which literally oozes from every fiber of my being at time. Obviously, not all the time, but enough that I feel the need to write about it. You know? Usually the very things I don't want to talk about are the very things which need to be out there. So whom ever this is for, know that you're not alone. You see, I should have no reason to fear. Not only are all my needs (and most wants) met, but I'm a child of God. I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
I've never been drunk before, nor do I ever plan on being so. I was listening to my iPod today at work and "This World" by Caedmon's Call came on. A song I've heard literally hundreds of time before, but suddenly the one line, "This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear." hit me like a ton of bricks.
I've been walking around drunk on the spirit of fear. I've allowed this into my life and it's prevented me from living. Achieving goals. Find the potential buried deep within me. I was destined for bigger and better things. (You too!) God didn't create me to merely earn a paycheck! He created me to glorify Him. But what have I been doing? Sitting on the sidelines, scared of what might happen if I get in the game and get hurt. (Sorry for the sport analogy.)
Essentially what I'm saying is this. Yes, I struggle with the 'what ifs' in life and yes I allow fear to overwhelm me, but basically what I'm trying to do is give myself a pep talk. I need to buck up and get on with my life. I just don't want to look back even a year from now and be in the same place I'm in now.
I read a quote the other day that said something about how those who have made a difference in life didn't sit back and wait for it to happen. No, they chased after what they wanted, with no fear and had conviction that they would succeed. (Man, I can't remember the real quote, it was way better than my paraphrase!) I want the same for my life.... I'm just not sure how to get there. Any ideas?
There's tarnish on the golden rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who aren't afraid to love
This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need
This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear.
So when he says who will go, I am nowhere near.
And the least of these look like criminals to me
So I leave Christ on the street
This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
But now I'm waking up, but now I'm breaking up
But now I'm making up for lost time