I don't deserve God's grace. Pure and simple. I mean, despite all my sin, though, obviously, not to be over looked. I just don't deserve how God continues to show me His love. For instance, I've been going through a slump in my Walk. Frankly, I haven't been studying His Word, I praying or for all purposes, growing. I've been existing, but, just barely. God's not honored when I live like this. He saved me so that I could live life, abuntantly. (To the fullest, making the most out of every opportunity, joyful, happy, etc.) This isn't how I've been living.
I never know how honest to be on blogs... afraid of what people might think or say... but sometimes, I think it's necessary to just write. Regardless of how I might feel, I know that God will use me to encourage and bless someone else. So, here's the truth. I struggle with depression.
On the outside, my life looks hunky-dorry, but on the inside, I'm torn up. I often deny or push away how I'm feeling. To dwell too long there requires too much of my analytical side. (And unfortunately, these deep conversations I have with myself, always seem to fall exactly when I should be sleeping.) I did discover that my mom struggles with depression as well. Which, I found not only comforating, but ironic as well. (But that's another story for another day.)
I'm constantly battling within my self to stay above the drowning zone. I've only reached that level a few times in my life, but those few times scared me. So, it's really an every day decision to live. Which, sounds so crazy for me to be typing these words right now. It makes me seem like such a drama queen. But in the midst of the storm, it's often hard to see beyond it. I get so twisted around by the winds of emotions, it's hard to know which way is up.
Back to God's graciousness. OK, so recently, I turned 30. I know, not a big deal. But, I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. The dreams I had as a kid have yet to be fulfilled. I honestly don't see them happening any time in the near future... and frankly, that kinda freaks me out. I know, I know. I need to trust God. Strangely enough, I've always had some major trust issues with God. (Not that He's given me any reason not to trust Him.)
I woke up one morning and decided it was time to stop dreaming about things and start actually doing them. God made me a dreamer. Which is amazing. But, sometimes, I get lost in the dream and don't know how to actualize these things. Well, here's the cool thing aboug God. He knows me. Duh. He created me, so of course, He knows how to get my attension. (I promise all this rambling is leading to a point.) Recently, through several different people, God's shown me what He wants me to do. Which makes me soooo excited!!!
I've ALWAYS wanted to write a book... and illustrate it with the photography I've taken over the years of nature. I have no idea why I have this desire, but I know it's from God. Who else could whip up such a God-sized dream? Well, I've looked into the cost of getting something published and let's just say, it's not cheap. My good friend, Amy told me the other night, about this product from Creative Memories, where you're able to make your own hard back book. (I seriously need to look into this.)
That was an answer to prayer.... God LOVES to LOVE on me. I know He does. Even when I'm a punk and don't deserve anything, He continues to bless me. I think, it's His way of telling me to keep on keeping on. He has amazing plans for my life, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. But, if I quit on life, that can never happen. I see his as God's little pep talk. He's like, I know you feel like giving up sometimes, but just keep walking. ("Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.") He's right there along side of me on this journey, giving me water to drink and love when I need it.
I know this post has been all over the map. A wise friend (thanks Dave!) told me to blog for me... which I am, but I don't want to make it like a journal and it needs to be interesting, so in case anyone should actually read it, they won't fall asleep while reading it. But, regardless of anything I might ever say.... GOD DESERVES ALL THE GLORY FOR ANYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE. Let that be known.