I was watching this program on Lifetime a little bit ago entitled, "Crazy Sexy Cancer". I'd seen it adverstised earlier and thought it looked interesting. Essentially, it was about a woman's life, presented in documentary style. I missed the first thirty minutes, but wow, I was transfixed the next 90. This woman was told she had 24! inoperable, uncurable tumors. She tried many different methods of "healing" herself. But during the course of trying to get beyond what was right in front of her face, she developed this peace.
She began to do the things she'd always wanted to do because, honestly, not knowing how many days she had left encourages one to try new things. As she was about to swing from a trapeeze (sp?), she looked into the camera and said, "I'm really afraid of heights". But she climbs to the top of the ladder and the next thing she knows she's flying through the air. You can tell she's really unsure of herself, until all the sudden, she realizes she's having fun. For a moment, she's just a girl having the time of her life, not a girl who's dying from cancer.
When she was done, she realized something, "Cancer wasn't killing me... it was pushing me to live". Wow, what a statement. I guess, in a strange way, I feel like that too. Not that I have cancer, but I do have things that are eating away at me. They erode the very fiber of my being on a day to day basis. If I don't keep them in check, soon, they will grow! So, if I don't change, then whose fault will that be when my life doesn't turn out how I wanted. I mean, granted, I can only control so much. Everything, even what I think I have control over, is in God's hands. But that doesn't mean I can't change my eroding shoreline.
I have dreams and goals which God has obviously given me - He made me - so He wouldn't be so cruel to give me these desires, then not fulfill them. I just look at where I am and what I've "accomplished" in my 30 years, and it all seems so inadequate. I have so much more potential in me. I know I do. But I get so bogged down with the business of life, that I seemingly don't have time to live. Ironic, wouldn't you say?
I want to change that!!! I want to look back in ten, heck even one year from now and see that I've done something with my life. Accomplished some of my dreams. conquered some fears. I allow fear to stand in my way far too often. It paralyzes me to the point where I become completely useless. "God didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind"!! (2 Timothy 1:7)
So, where do I go from here? Sometimes, I feel as though I might drown in my own thoughts. They overwhelm, wash over and consume me.... but no one knows. To the casual observer, I am still the same. But in many ways, I feel like apart of me has died. I don't know how to state that in a less melodramtic way. (I'm in a very analytical mood... and it shows!)
I just, don't know where to start. I guess, in little ways at first. Like doing the things which make me happy; make me feel alive. Taking pictures. Painting. Writing. Creating. The rest, well, I guess that's part of the fun. The joy of discovery.