Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Crazy Sexy Cancer

Hmmm.... where do I start?

I was watching this program on Lifetime a little bit ago entitled, "Crazy Sexy Cancer". I'd seen it adverstised earlier and thought it looked interesting. Essentially, it was about a woman's life, presented in documentary style. I missed the first thirty minutes, but wow, I was transfixed the next 90. This woman was told she had 24! inoperable, uncurable tumors. She tried many different methods of "healing" herself. But during the course of trying to get beyond what was right in front of her face, she developed this peace.

She began to do the things she'd always wanted to do because, honestly, not knowing how many days she had left encourages one to try new things. As she was about to swing from a trapeeze (sp?), she looked into the camera and said, "I'm really afraid of heights". But she climbs to the top of the ladder and the next thing she knows she's flying through the air. You can tell she's really unsure of herself, until all the sudden, she realizes she's having fun. For a moment, she's just a girl having the time of her life, not a girl who's dying from cancer.

When she was done, she realized something, "Cancer wasn't killing me... it was pushing me to live". Wow, what a statement. I guess, in a strange way, I feel like that too. Not that I have cancer, but I do have things that are eating away at me. They erode the very fiber of my being on a day to day basis. If I don't keep them in check, soon, they will grow! So, if I don't change, then whose fault will that be when my life doesn't turn out how I wanted. I mean, granted, I can only control so much. Everything, even what I think I have control over, is in God's hands. But that doesn't mean I can't change my eroding shoreline.

I have dreams and goals which God has obviously given me - He made me - so He wouldn't be so cruel to give me these desires, then not fulfill them. I just look at where I am and what I've "accomplished" in my 30 years, and it all seems so inadequate. I have so much more potential in me. I know I do. But I get so bogged down with the business of life, that I seemingly don't have time to live. Ironic, wouldn't you say?

I want to change that!!! I want to look back in ten, heck even one year from now and see that I've done something with my life. Accomplished some of my dreams. conquered some fears. I allow fear to stand in my way far too often. It paralyzes me to the point where I become completely useless. "God didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind"!! (2 Timothy 1:7)

So, where do I go from here? Sometimes, I feel as though I might drown in my own thoughts. They overwhelm, wash over and consume me.... but no one knows. To the casual observer, I am still the same. But in many ways, I feel like apart of me has died. I don't know how to state that in a less melodramtic way. (I'm in a very analytical mood... and it shows!)

I just, don't know where to start. I guess, in little ways at first. Like doing the things which make me happy; make me feel alive. Taking pictures. Painting. Writing. Creating. The rest, well, I guess that's part of the fun. The joy of discovery.


StaceyStace said...

Hey, I kind of know what you mean by this. It has taken a while, but after shoving my fears of what people in my past think of me, I feel so free! I laugh and smile SO much more. Like today, when, incredibly, I found myself asking the professor to re-explain a math problem for me (in front of many people!), I thought, "Was that timid me? - Not overly self-conscience me!" Maybe God really is helping me get over myself enough to enjoy Him and the life He gave me!!

Keep on pursuing those things He puts on your heart. The joy of the Lord is our strength. Thanks for sharing this encouraging story.

poet4him77 said...

Does it make me a geek to reply to all of your comments?

Oh, I know how you feel. I used to be so afraid to speak up in class, that I literally FAILED. I got over that once I took the dreaded public speaking in college. Good for you for standing up for yourself and asking clarification on something, especially math!!!! The thing I learned, most people want to speak up but are afraid, so when someone like YOU for instance, does it, they are so relieved. I also think the professors really like someone who's engaged in the subject... not just some bump on a log. What classes are you taking?

StaceyStace said...

If you are a geek, then I am, too! I always want to reply - maybe it's our good old Southern hospitality coming out - or maybe we're just that interesting!!

I'm taking Agelbra, Geography, Oral Comm, and Music for the Elementary Teacher. (Pre-requisites for teaching degree)

StaceyStace said...

Another thing - if I misspell something I can't stand it!! I meant Algebra, not Agelbra. :)

poet4him77 said...

I think... maybe we're just that interesting. Or... we have a bit of geek in us as well! Ha!!

Wow, you've got a full course load!! Are you just getting started with classes? (How much school do you have left?)

You know, it's funny, the brain is a marvelous tool. I didn't even see that "algebra" was spell wrong. My brain saw it right.