Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Nature of Meredith

I wrote this the other night (July 21st) while at the beach, but wasn't able to get back online to upload it until I got home....

I love to read. The bigger the book the better. Though, often, there's a bittersweet feeling when nearing the end of a book. I become completely immersed within the story, feeling like the characters are different aspects of me. So when I finish a book, I usually become quite melancholy. Does sounds crazy? Today, while lying in the hammock, with the generous ocean breeze blowing across the upper deck and myself, I finished a book I started the other day, "The Nature of Jade." Although I shouldn't have been surprised, I was again swept up in emotions, thoughts and feelings which I didn't have an outlet for. However I did something I quite possible have never done before. I went for a walk along the beach all by myself. I know you what you're thinking, "You've never done that before?" Well, no, because you see, I don't like doing things alone. I don't feel very brave. All the insecurities from childhood creep up again and hit me square in the face. I know it's completely irrational to even let that affect me today, but alas it does. But, I refuse to allow that to control my actions anymore. Wow, I didn't realize I was going to talk about this. I certainly didn't plan on it. I merely wanted to tell you about my day, which was quite pleasant, I must say. But since it's been brought up, let me give you a little back history.

My family lived in Great Falls, Virginia from the time I was the age of seven-eleven (I think?). The before mentioned incident happened the very first (and only) year I went to a public school. I rode the school bus, which was a very new experience for me. Even though my neighborhood friends were with me, there were also some very mean boys, who waited for us little kids to get off the bus and endlessly tortued us. Gosh, I still remember the fear and apprehension of arriving at the bus stop. I was literally sick with worry and fear. There were two places where I could get off, one a shorter route (where the means kids were) and the other, the very long way home. Many days I wasn't brave enough to face the boys and walked the long way home. Bless my friends, they often walked with me.

That incident (as well as others over the years) has left permanent unseen scars which cover every fiber of my being. It is only by the Grace of God that He's helped me to heal. Though, obviously, those insecurities still rear their ugly heads from time to time. While I'm learning that God created me exactly how He wanted me, it's up to me to be healthy; to make healthy choices.

Hello, my name is Meredith and I'm a sabotager.

I have lofty dreams and goals for myself, but I also continue to sabotage my progress. Just when I think I'm finally getting ahead of the curve, I fall back into the old patterns and habits trying to control life through food. I have never admitted this to anyone before, but I KNOW I'm not the only woman out there who does this. So, perhaps, through my struggles with the way I see myself and how I view food, you too will find encouragement as well? That's my hope anyway.

Honestly, God has done a TON of healing in my life. I really feel like there's a light at the end of the dark tunnel now, but I still have a ways to go before I'm fully "recovered". And perhaps, this might be something I will forever deal with, but I hope not. God didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. That verse just popped into my head and while I know I did a little paraphrase, I think you get the gist.

My insecurities have been weighing my down like Pilgrim's burdens. I just turned 31 recently and I feel as though I've stumbled upon an epiphany of sorts? I've just wasted so many years of my life living in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the 'what if's'. Plan 'ole fear. It makes me so mad that I've allowed the devil control over me in this area for so long. But no more! I've been bought with the blood of the Lamb. Cleansed. Made whole. Redeemed. I am a child of God. His blood courses through my veins. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God WILL get the glory in my story! Just you wait, one day in the not so distant future, I hope to say, "Look what God has done!"

Back to today. I finished my book, came downstairs and realized I'd been reading for three and a half hours (felt like 30 minutes)! I immediately knew I needed to go walk on the beach! I felt like I was suffocating. I can't explain it; I just had to get out the house!!! I took my cell phone and headed off to the beach. This is day three here and I've only seen the beach from afar. I wanted, no needed to wiggle my toes within the sand and oceans' surf. Perhaps this is strange to say, but I felt like a whole new me - confident and head held up high. I looked people in the eyes as they walked past me and smiled. I was a determined woman on a mission.

The closer I got, the more excited I became. The only other time I have felt like that is when I arrive in Seattle. It's the expected realization that God's there and is ready to do something great in me. (Those whom have gone on the Suquamish mission trip, I know you know exactly what I mean.) Logically, I know God is everywhere. But I've always felt closer to Him in Suquamish and at the beach. Here I am, Lord, whatcha got planned?!? I guess being completely open and honest is a start, huh?

Nothing grandiose happened down at the beach. I stood in the sinking sand and sang praise songs. I allowed the generous water consume too much of my denim shorts (oops!). I nearly got stung by a jellyfish. I watched the sun set and took a ton of pictures and videos. Then, with no fan fair whatsoever, I came home. Though, feeling like I'd accomplished the first battle.


StaceyStace said...

Meredith, this is good stuff.

I still want to get that coffee. How about this week?

Poet4Him77 said...

Thanks, Stacey!

Coffee sounds fantastic... could we do it next week though? Or maybe Sunday afternoon?