I'm torn. Rip torn. Literally. I've been working out hard this month; made a commitment to myself, not a pesky resolution. I'm sore. It hurts to move my arms. It hurts to type even these words. Yet... I smile. It's a good kind of pain. A tearing and rebuilding kind of pain. I'm breaking down my old muscles and building new ones, stronger ones. While I might be in pain for a time, it's for the greater good.
Wow. That can be applied to life as well. Imagine the possibility for a moment. Did you know that flowering trees bloom best, only after they've been pruned? (I'm tired and honestly can't think of any more examples, but I know you know what I mean.) I think the same is true in our lives. While God doesn't enjoy making us suffer, in some cases it really is in our best interest.
Oh, I fight change. I struggle with storms in my life. I vainly believe I'm enough. Enough to get me through. And when I flop on my face... again... and my loving Father picks me up, again. Forever and always. I know as much as He loves me, I'm still headed for rough waters. Discipline. Refinement. It's never easy. But when I look back over my life, the times where I grew the most were the result of a war being raged within my soul. I don't say that to sound dramatic or to create some sort of crescendo within my writing. But rather, it's a depiction to illustrate my point.
Every single day, I know Satan wants me. I know He wants to drag me into the abyss but because I'm a Child of God, He has no power over me! The only power He has --- is the power I give Him! Think about that for a minute.
I once heard, you live your life in obedience to Someone, it's up to you whom you'll serve. I'm stepping on my toes here. It's hard to justify the decisions I've made when it's really so black and white. Oh, I know I'm washed in the blood of the Lamb. I don't deny that. I just, wish, I had made some better choices along the way. The encouraging thing to know, the Father has a soft spot for screw ups. I mean, look at Jonah. There are many examples where He used people like me to fulfill His mission. So, there's hope. Always hope.
I've traveled down a small rabbit trail, back to my point. Tearing down to build back up. Change. God's up to something, I'm just not sure what yet. There's a crackle in the air as though something is about to pop. Maybe it's the walls I've hidden behind for years. Maybe it's that I'm changing, from the inside out. I can tell I'm different than I was, even a month ago. Sure, I still struggle with depression, but I woke up one morning and decided I wasn't going to let it control me any longer. I wanted to change... for myself and no one else. I wanted to stop making excuses and push through *whatever* it is that got me where I am today. Boy, I'd love to have Bob or Jillian as my trainer. They'd kill me. But boy would I secretly love it!
I'm really excited about something I recently decided to do. You see, I've been working out at Curves for more than a year now. While I love it there, the people are great and I know they really care about me. I think I need more. I think I need to get out of somewhere that I feel comfortable and push myself to do more... to be more... Until I get over that hump, I honestly don't believe I can reach my goals.
Ooh, it's scarey. I don't like doing things alone; though you'd think I'd be used to it by now. (Oh man, Kristin, I know if you were here, you would have just hit me for saying that. Hey, at least I caught it, right?) A new place where I don't know anyone and they don't know me. Co-ed. Almost a little overwhelming. But, I'm about 95% sure that I'm going to cancel my membership at Curves and join the YMCA. There are many different reasons why I've made this (almost) decision, but I'm still sad to leave my friends behind at Curves. I just think, at this stage in my life, it's the right thing to do. Curves has been my building blocks. They've taught me the fundmentals, now I'm ready to take my training wheels off and see how riding on my own feels. (Although, I'd love to work out with a buddy. Anyone interested??)
To come full circle... change, albeit scarey at times, is what makes the world go round.