I think, sometimes I'm so introspective, I get lost within myself and don't realize that I affect (effect?) others around me. I tend to think I'm invisible and that I walk through life undetected. Which is silly to think, I realize. None the less, the thought remains. Funny thing about being lost within myself, there's no one to ask for directions. Though, the verse comes to mind, "Your Word is lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." (Psalm 119:105) Regardless of how alone I feel, He is there. I need to stop trying to be so independent and rely on my Father. He really does know what's best for me. He, unlike anyone, really does *know* me. He created me afterall.
On Grey's Anatomy tonight, one of my favorite shows, albeit not moral in the least, one of the plots in this episode, was that Lexi and Meredith don't know one another. Lexi came up with 5 completely random things about herself, so that Meredith would get an idea of who she is. And perhaps, love and accept her as a result. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like I'm constantly trying to tell people who I am.... I suppose it's not necessarily though. If you want to know me, you'll make the effort?
That sounded really selfish, didn't it? I'm not entirely sure how to convey what I'm thinking. It's just that, I'm constantly thinking. My brain is like a roulette wheel. Full of ideas. Full of adventures. Full. But, often, it's just me at the end of the day. I come home to an empty house. Just me, myself and I. I'd love to be able to share my life with someone. Talk and laugh about things that happened through out the day. **Breaks into song, "One is the lonliest number!"**
Seriously though, I'm really sick of being alone. And while I realize, the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. It's just that most of the dreams and desires God's given me, can only be done with a partner. Not to mention, doing all the house work myself. So, while I'm supposedly living up the best years of my single life, I feel like I'm missing out on what could be. I don't understand why God would give me these dreams, only to not fulfill them. Not to say that He still won't.
I know I'm not the only single girl out there feeling like this. And I don't often let myself really think about it. I hate feeling this way. I just felt like, for tonight, to open myself up to you. I never know who might be reading my words. I guess I just want to say, beyond how I might feel at any given moment, I do really think He has a plan for my life.
In Jeremiah 29:11-13, it says, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." [The Message]
This wasn't at all what I'd planned to write about today, but perhaps that was for someone out there?