The funny thing about depression is that it hits when there's seemingly no reason for it. OK, maybe not "haha" funny or "ouch-I-hit-my-funny-bone" funny, but maybe just interesting. I was journaling last night and contrary to popular belief, I NEVER journal. It just seems so self-involved, but perhaps that's the point. I have a hard time with journaling. I don't know what to say, which is crazy, since I have A LOT to say at any given moment. However, actually giving a voice to the rumblings in my mind is a completely different matter.
My friend Sybil gave it to me for my 24th birthday, but it was such a neat journal, I didn't want to mess it up by saying stupid things. It had only been written in two times. But it was quite comical to read back over those entries. Although I remember what I wrote about, I hardly remember that girl anymore. She was pretty boy-crazy in her own shy and quiet way. She had a lot of insecurities and was far too analytical for her own good. Come to think of it, not much has changed.. but in a strange way, everything has.
For me, there's no real trigger for my depression. It's not that I'm sad all the time or crying or look like what one would typically think of when you think of a depressed person. I'm just... not myself. Do you think it's possible for someone to literally drown in their own thoughts? I know I can get so caught up within myself that I can arrive home and not remember driving there. (Scary, I know.)
God's been so good to me! He's blessed with more than I deserve! I often question why He does what He does in my life. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like because I've allowed my human depravity to get in the way of serving Him, that one day something bad is going to happen. I realize it's silly to think that way. I suppose it's the correlation between God the Father and my Parents.
When I was little, there was immediate reprecussion for my bad behavior. (Usually, an immediate spanking where ever they could reach, and then the 'real' spanking once we got home.) It's that later spanking I'm referring to here. I knew it was coming and I dreaded it. Now, in my adult life, I suppose I think the same will happen with God. It's not that's I've done anything so horrible, I'm just burdened by the mere fact that He's not first in my life.
I think, well, because I didn't do such-and-such, then He's not going to give me the desires of my heart. Or because this happened, then I won't get this. While I don't really believe that a relationship with Jesus is a "if/then" statement, I do think there's some truth to that theory.
I have head knowledge that He wouldn't have given me these desires if He wasn't going to fulfill them in His timing. But my heart tends to forget that and sink in the sea of doubt, much like Peter did while walking on the water to Jesus. When I take my eyes off of Him, even if for one moment, I begin to sink.
The other night I went to a Hillsong United worship concert. I knew it would be incredible. I knew God would touch lives, including my own. I also knew it would be an amazing experience. Those who went know exactly what I'm talking about. Walking into the building, I saw this:
There was an energy of expectant excitement. I couldn't wait for the night to begin! I couldn't wait to worship King Jesus with hundreds of others! It took me a little while to let things go and not worry about what was going on around me and just worship. It was H-O-T HOT, which was a huge distraction at first, but I didn't let it bother me too much. Looking around the church, seeing all the different styles of worship... arms lifted high, some jumping up and down, clapping, dancing, swaying back and forth. There was free reign to give an outward expression of our inward joy. Once I finally let go, I was one of those ones jumping around. It was incredibly surreal, amazing, encouraging and I think that's what Heaven's going to be like. Wow!
Time stood still as we worshipped at the feet of Jesus. All across the auditorium... Promises were made.... Lives were radically changed.... And hope rose.
When my focus is solely on Him alone, nothing else matters. I wish it was that easy to have that Heavenly perspective all the time. I believe I'd live my life a lot different. Or at least, one would hope. The question remains, how do I continue to allow hope to rise without unexpected depression clouds getting in the way? That my friend, is a work in progress... much like myself. :-)