Offering: My Whole Heart

"All I want to do, is to
bring to You a love so pure
a love that's Yours.
All I want to do, is to
bring to You my heart.

All I want to do, is to
bring to You a love so pure
a love that's Yours.
All I want to do, is to
bring to You my heart.

'Cause, all I want to do, is to
bring to You a love so pure
a love that's Yours.

All I want to do, is to
bring to You
bring to You
bring to You
bring to You
MY WHOLE HEART!"

By Daniel Bashta

That being said... what I want to do and what I actually do are two different things. If I say that I am a tree, yet have no branches, am I merely a stick? A stick with good intentions? Or am I a tree with budding blossoms; just waiting to be pruned? Oh, so many analogies, I can't stand it! But I'm too tired to write like that, so for now, here's what's going on inside my brain.

First, sometimes, when I'm really, really still, I feel a heartbeat in my fingertips. It's as though they are keeping my passions alive. As long my hands are alive, the rest of me will eventually catch up and create. Write. Paint. Draw. When the cacophony of this world drowns out my passionate heartbeat, it's then I fear I'm losing myself.

Which brings me to my second thought, lately, I feel as though the world is spinning around me at mock 9, while I'm standing in the eye of the storm. The world around me is basically calm. Normal. Boring and monontonous. I'm having a lot of trouble with the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' mentality. All but a few of my friends are now married with little ones. I can't help but envy them. Which, I know, you moms out there are saying the same thing about my life. Satisfied. Why can't I be satisfied with where God has me right now? I can hear my mom in my head, "Want some cheese with that whine?" Moving on.

Third, when I loved to my lovely town of Helena in October '06, I registered to vote, but didn't think anything of it, until last week, when I hadn't received anything in the mail about where I needed to go to vote and such. So, me being the worry wort, started to freak out a little. Fast forward to "Super Tuesday" and I'm not sure what to do. The short version of the story. I decide to go where I think I'm supposed to go. I bring proof, that yes, I do live here and I'm not some crazy woman. End result: yes, I'm registered and yes I'm able to vote.

What happened when leaving the parking lot you ask? I start to cry. Crazy hormones. Was it the stress of getting to that point? Was it the relief that I was able to make my voice heard, on the one day it really matters? I believe it was both those things, and then some. You see, I talk to myself A LOT in the car. Myself and I were talking on the way home from work. Trying to reassure myself that everything would turn out OK and it would all work out in the end; which of course it did and I had no reason to worry... because after all, "Why borrow worries for tomorrow?" (Another mom saying that I think I butchered.)

I got to thinking about the whole process of voting. Way back when women had to fight to have the chance to vote. And now, while people are very opinionated about who they believe will serve our country the best. Bottom line: No one will ever measure up. It's just not going to happen. Why get your panies in a wad over something so trivial? Wait. Don't read too much into that statement. While I believe politics are extremely important to the US as a whole, I also believe that God's in control. He already knows who's going to be President. He already knows everything. Daunting huh?

So, while my analytical self had all these thoughts, as usual my synapises are working overtime and I think my brain short circuited... for the second time today. I stopped thinking; which is hard, believe me. And this song was playing on my iPod. "All I want to do is to bring You my whole heart." If only it was that simple. Shouldn't it be that simple? Why isn't it that simple? Oh yeah, the cacophony of every day life. Sometimes, I wish I could just walk away from everything and chase whole heartedly after my dreams. Problem being, I've bought into the "American Dream" - house, car, kids, etc. This is a whole can of worms for another post, and while I'm not saying anything is wrong with this, at all, I sometimes think it causes us to lose focus. It causes me to lose focus on what's really important.

I'm more than half way into my 30th year and what a doozy it's been. In many ways, I feel like I'm going through some kind of life-crisis. Perhaps it's providing a jump start to change. I'm not a big fan of change.. but it's necessary. Anyway, enough rambling on my part. My goal was to write and get to bed early tonight.

What's God doing in your life? What makes your fingertips beat with passion? What would you do to present your WHOLE heart to Him in an act of service or passion? I welcome your comments.